Guilty Confessions

Last Tuesday we celebrated my sister-in-law's birthday. She's seventeen. (Insert appropriate comments here). She opened a card from my husband's brother, sister-in-law, and our nephew. It was signed from all of them along with "Baby #2."

(Insert forced happy reactions, giggling and expected smiles here.)

That was hard. And everything that whizzed around in my head was also swirling around in my husband's as well, although we both did a fairly good job of masking it. We are happy for them. Babies are good things.

I hate that there's a "but." I suspect it's almost entirely a jealously thing on my part. But...I know that they got pregnant the first time they tried. They have the ability to stop taking the pill and instantly get pregnant. She's told me as much. They have no problems announcing their news at 6 weeks, before they've even seen a doctor. (My husband said later, "Wait, so they don't have levels checked or anything?" He can't fathom it. Frankly, neither can I.)

But we did our best to react like we think "normal" people would. When they left, my mother in law asked me what I though about the news. Instead of launching into a three-hour long discussion of my true feelings, I squeaked out a "um, I was pretty surprised, actually."

When we got to the car that evening, my husband turned to me as we both exhaled and said, "So, what was your first thought?"

"That I hope our daughter enjoys her 5 month spotlight. Isn't that terrible?"
"Probably, but I was thinking the same thing. And your second?"
"So, first try, huh? Again. Damn, I bet they had sex once. Bitches."
"Bingo."

We realized that our daughter's firsts will largely be shared by her younger cousin. I realize that my thoughts aren't entirely rational and that the inner bitch in me is quickly surfacing, but still...I feel like we watched the family ooh and aah over my nephew so much during our ttc periods and it was hard at times, especially knowing how easy it was for him to come into the world. I want my daughter to have the same VIP treatment. And that's not to say that she won't, but her first Christmas, etc, will also be "Baby #2's" first. Our baby had to fight to get where she is now- it surely hasn't been an easy road for her. Even typing this I feel pangs of guilt and ridiculousness, but still. We feel like we are forced to compete with them unwillingly so often, that this tends to feel that way, too.

It's not that I cringe at all pregnancy/baby news, because I don't at all. I can't only be happy for infertiles who get pregnant, that's just dumb. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but it's just...different. It's them.

(Insert shower of guilt and childishness here.)