Monday, March 19, 2007

Guilty Confessions

Last Tuesday we celebrated my sister-in-law's birthday. She's seventeen. (Insert appropriate comments here). She opened a card from my husband's brother, sister-in-law, and our nephew. It was signed from all of them along with "Baby #2."

(Insert forced happy reactions, giggling and expected smiles here.)

That was hard. And everything that whizzed around in my head was also swirling around in my husband's as well, although we both did a fairly good job of masking it. We are happy for them. Babies are good things.

I hate that there's a "but." I suspect it's almost entirely a jealously thing on my part. But...I know that they got pregnant the first time they tried. They have the ability to stop taking the pill and instantly get pregnant. She's told me as much. They have no problems announcing their news at 6 weeks, before they've even seen a doctor. (My husband said later, "Wait, so they don't have levels checked or anything?" He can't fathom it. Frankly, neither can I.)

But we did our best to react like we think "normal" people would. When they left, my mother in law asked me what I though about the news. Instead of launching into a three-hour long discussion of my true feelings, I squeaked out a "um, I was pretty surprised, actually."

When we got to the car that evening, my husband turned to me as we both exhaled and said, "So, what was your first thought?"

"That I hope our daughter enjoys her 5 month spotlight. Isn't that terrible?"
"Probably, but I was thinking the same thing. And your second?"
"So, first try, huh? Again. Damn, I bet they had sex once. Bitches."
"Bingo."

We realized that our daughter's firsts will largely be shared by her younger cousin. I realize that my thoughts aren't entirely rational and that the inner bitch in me is quickly surfacing, but still...I feel like we watched the family ooh and aah over my nephew so much during our ttc periods and it was hard at times, especially knowing how easy it was for him to come into the world. I want my daughter to have the same VIP treatment. And that's not to say that she won't, but her first Christmas, etc, will also be "Baby #2's" first. Our baby had to fight to get where she is now- it surely hasn't been an easy road for her. Even typing this I feel pangs of guilt and ridiculousness, but still. We feel like we are forced to compete with them unwillingly so often, that this tends to feel that way, too.

It's not that I cringe at all pregnancy/baby news, because I don't at all. I can't only be happy for infertiles who get pregnant, that's just dumb. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but it's just...different. It's them.

(Insert shower of guilt and childishness here.)

5 comments:

The Road Less Travelled said...

No judgements here.

The Town Criers said...

No judgements from me either. I think (1) it's hard to have that news thrust at you without warning and be expected to jump on-board. And (2) there is the spotlight feeling you want for your child. But your child will get to have that at home. You will give her that time. Wow--that is going to be so hard. Two kids only a year apart or so?

TeamWinks said...

I don't blame you in the least for feeling that way! You and your little girl deserve some VIP treatment for once!

Anam_Kihaku said...

**hugs** same happened here but thankfully we have smart inlaws and she was first grand child but it still stunk og mouldy cheese - like the did iton purpose just to spite us :(

kuppusamy said...

Same thing happened to me. Just wanted to say mine is so much smarter!! LOL. Seriously, he steals the show.

My sister and I had our firsts five months apart. And, she's not given up on making it a competition. :( Who has a better diaper bag, whose car seat is best, has to have whatever I have. Even wants to name her son after the same person (my grandpa) I did!

My first time here, but I've been there. If you ever need to vent you have an understanding ear!