Um...Hold Please.

Apparently, the roller coaster ride was not over.

I called my doctor's office last week and had a conversation similar to this:
Doctor Awesome: "Ok, I want you to call us and make an appointment next week."
Me: "Uh, ok. Am I waiting for a period that isn't going to come?"
DA: "No, we know that probably won't happen. I want to wait until then so that we can do a test and make sure that you aren't pregnant. I don't feel comfortable giving you Provera until I am confident of that. There could be a chance you just ovulated later than we both expected."
Me: "Fine."

I went out of town this past weekend for a wedding. I had a beer on Friday night because I was absolutely certain that this cycle had been a bust, too. I had already cried my tears. And then at lunch with my family on Saturday I started to have strong cramps. I couldn't eat the deliciousness that was the enchilada plate in front of me. Mr. Mandolyn leaned over and asked me if it was as bad as last time. Yeah, it was. So we stopped by the drug store on the way back to our hotel. I'm sure the cashier's odd look was directly attributed to my purchases: a pregnancy test and a box of tampons. Well, it was bound to be one of them. We soon saw a faint blue line. And after another trip to the store, two plus signs.

The element of surprise was so far from my head that it was actually nice to be caught a little off-guard. We didn't get a solidly good reaction from my parents. We got a reserved, cautious response, along with a "I don't know, cramping like that makes me worry" from my dad. I fumed to my brother about it, letting him know that about my mom's statement the first time I was pregnant, "Well, we'll see if it gets to three months, and then we'll celebrate." Apparently my mother had been at the door to hear all of that. So my (selfish) joy was interrupted by a damage control session with my hysterical mother. I felt like shit. She shouldn't have heard it that way, but it needed to be said. But damn it, this was not how it was supposed to play out. I know at one point I told her that "anything and everything you could possibly be thinking about this, we've already thought about. We are painfully aware, thank you. Leave that to us. We need you to be absolutely supportive right now, even if it's a false front." I wish that Mr. Mandolyn and I could have had the experience alone, so that we could inform everyone else on our own terms, but apparently that wasn't meant to be. I'm upset that we won't get to see that thrilling excited reaction that you dream about when breaking BFP news. Damn you, IF.

Still, in this world, a positive is a positive. Today's calendar date has such potential to be a sad, mournful day. I'm more than thankful to have something smile about.


"Happy" doesn't do it justice. But then again, neither does "Terrified."