Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Dark Side

It never ends. Tabloid reports of Britney's new baby seem to all lead to her quote about how the baby wasn't planned, how it "just kind of happened." I think of Mel's sliding scale of happiness and sigh. I shouldn't care. It shouldn't matter to me at all. And yet.

Yesterday Mr. Mandolyn anxiously called me to find out what they said about my blood. So far, so good. I go again this afternoon again so they can compare levels. I want to be genuinely excited. I want to be grinning ear to ear. And yet. I can feel myself trying to build a wall around my delicate heart. Just in case. I loath "just in case." I hate that it keeps reappearing in my head every time I think I've kicked it out for good. Mr. Mandolyn and I talked yesterday about it. While I'm comforted that we are going through the same emotional ups and downs, it truly breaks my heart to hear how it's hard for him, too. He is also somewhat involuntarily guarding himself, trying to strangle out thoughts of doubt. Yes, so far everything is good, but it was all fine at this point last time we made it this far. A close friend joked that I'll be uncomfortably pregnant in the hot summer months and I choked back tears. We have a room empty at the house, painted for Someday Baby. My mother was asking decor questions the other night. We both avoided eye contact and rapidly tried to change the subject. We're so afraid to think ahead. We're afraid to let ourselves imagine something that might not come true. We're afraid to be thoroughly happy. Maybe it's that we've never been down the smoothly paved highway of fertility. We got diverted to this unnamed dirt road, littered with rocks and tumbleweeds. At any moment, the scattered debris might cause you to blow a tire, but it's familiar.

"Think positively" is something I keep hearing. Damn. I try, but these thoughts simply won't go away. It's all just so unfair, and I know that I haven't experienced anything compared to some. "Fair" is something that only exists in fairy tales. But sometimes I like fairy tales with their sweet innocence and nicely packaged storylines. I'm thrilled to be at this point, don't get me wrong. But that happiness comes with strings attached. I'm still angry that Mr. M and I won't ever get to experience the joy of gestational naiveté. I hate that we've realized the fragility of our hearts and that we have to cloud this pregnancy with emotional cautiousness. I hate "just in case."

7 comments:

Murray said...

I know exactly what you mean and congratulations! I know that probably makes you uncomfortable because it does me. Protecting your heart... I know what that's about. Seems like you can't win though. You can try as you might to stay strong and protect yourself from being hurt but sometimes those positive thoughts creep in... 'The baby will be _ months when _'. Etc etc... and then come the negative thoughts. I REALLY hope this is the one for you (and me). Haven't had time to read all of your story but I will.

TeamWinks said...

First of all, I wish I was able to comment when this was posted the first time around. However, here goes anyway. I think what you experienced on that day is extremely common. It is one hell of a bumpy dirt road. I'm just hoping that I never succumb to the desire to get out of the car and quit the journey. I don't mind taking a few turns and changing the course, just not the destination.

Adrienne said...

It's not fair, and it sucks and there's nothing any of us can do about it (which makes it suck even more). I hope you were able to come out from the shadow of the dark side and into some light.

Paula said...

I can really relate to this right now. I am just 5 weeks after IF and 1 miscarriage and I am so restless and worried.

Geohde said...

I can relate. I spent my one brief pregnancy so damn worried because of all that could go wrong.

And then it did.

It will be so incredibly hard to try not to let the same fear eat me up next time.

Kami said...

I can relate too. If I ever get pg again I want so much to enjoy it, but I don't know how I will be able to pull it off knowing how often it all goes wrong. Congrats on it working out for you

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